Lines That Make You Laugh…

I grew up hearing the statement, “I had to laugh…”

The dot dot dot is important. I grew up with lots of dot dot dots, too.

My mother likes to tell stories of her experiences. Her father was a story teller and an artist. My father made monosyllabic grunting noises and basically tuned all those around him out. He never told me a story.

My father-in-law likes to tell the same stories, over and over. I enjoy pointing out to the husband when he’s repeating something he’s already told me that he’s turning into his dad.

But I am safe. This is one area I will not turn into my mother. I can’t tell a story, joke, cite a quote, or even quickly google what it is I’m trying to convey. That gene skipped out and had a smoke the day it was supposed to be handed out in pre-natal class. I’ve never even had the chance to say, “I had to laugh (dot dot dot)”.

So how is it a person ends up in a story-telling medium? I’m as tangential as they come and can literally lose the plot without a compass on a dime on a slow boat to China. Literally. It’s almost like a gift in itself. Add the sudden memory lapses of estrogen on crack and you’ve got one wrinkled space cadet.

So what was I saying?

My mother will start to relay a moment beginning with the line, “I had to laugh…” and start laughing before the story begins. Many hee hees later her captive audience starts to wonder if attempts at escape would really be futile. Her story is rarely as memorable as the laugh, or the line, “I had to laugh…”.

It’s become one of those lines that’s brought out in quiet moments as an inside joke. Say it with the accent and it’s good for some chuckles. Best part? You never have to actually tell the dot dot dots.

Yesterday, When I Was Born…

and fell off the turnip truck, I believed her.

Today I am wiser.

The 21 year old wasn’t in her bed at 5:30AM. I didn’t panic, I turned on my cell phone and sure enough there was a text message saying she fell asleep at a guy’s house watching a movie and would be home in the morning.

Um.

The first thing I think:
Who cares, I’m not your mother.

Second thing I think:
Oh, crap I am!

What does one say when one is confronted with an adult situation requiring adult-like grace?
I don’t know, I’ve never been the mother of a 21 year old. What would I want my mother to say if I left a message saying I fell asleep at a guy’s house.

“Make sure he makes you breakfast”

Her reply to me?

“Who is this and what have you done with my mother??!”

Mwahahaha.

Haiti At Home…

We’ve seen the visuals and read the headlines. To some they are just stories, something to discuss like the weather, to others its a wake up call to help. Some donate money and others immediately go into crisis mode and head to the epicenter of need.

For the emergency food bank in a forgotten pocket of Scarborough the disaster is here, now. The pain is palpable as one person after another tells of loved ones lost, hurt or killed. Eyes fill with tears as stories are shared of trying to get news of missing loved ones. You feel a paralyzing helplessness as you listen.

“My cousin and her baby are gone, dead”, “I don’t know where my husband is”.

Some look like they want to run, escape the words, shed the fresh layer of pain. All you can do is hug them, hold their hand, whisper words of encouragement.

Some of the Haitian women sit together, quietly talking to each other in French. Some are alone, head in hands. They came here with their children looking for a better life. They come in on Saturday mornings to get extra food for their families to get through the week. They look out for each other, some volunteer their time at the food bank while older children watch their little ones. Their husbands are not here. They wait for court hearings so they can work and eventually sponsor their husbands. Now many are not even sure their husbands are alive.

These Haitians did not come directly from Haiti. Many came from Florida having already sought refuge years ago in the US. Many have southern accents after a decade in Georgia, Florida or Texas. The same government rushing to Haiti’s aid is also responsible for deporting thousands of Haitians under the George Bush government. They had already escaped their 4th world existence looking for a better life, many found it in the US but George cleansed the counties by turfing out family after family of illegal immigrants, many of whom had started families, held jobs and paid taxes in their adopted country. They lacked official documents from a homeland where corruption is the only language. For those who landed in Canada the struggles they face every day are nothing compared to what they’ve known.

Haiti was a politically corrupt, social and economic nightmare before this earthquake. Education was difficult to come by and poverty was everywhere in that tiny nation. Most of it’s people are God-fearing and pious and today it was reported that nightly in Port au Prince many gather in the hills and sing hymns of praise and worship -thankful to be alive. In a place with almost no means of progressing to a third world country Haitians stay hopeful and humble.

We invited the Saturday morning crowd, our food bank clients and volunteers to join us for a prayer for Haiti -if they wanted to. We stood in the lobby so those who wanted to could take part and those that didn’t wouldn’t feel uncomfortable. It was a large surprise when many left the ‘church’ to come and pray in the lobby. Muslim, Hindu, Christian, Catholic and many more stood close together, bowed their heads and asked for Haiti’s healing.

The moment wasn’t lost on any of us.

Annual Dinner…

I cooked in January.
I made dinner.
Two sentences never before uttered from these fingers in 2010.

Sure it was just ham, scalloped potatoes and salad but there was a tinge o’ nostalgia wafting through the air.

“I remember these potatoes!” the 10 year old said dreamily.

“This is actually good” said the husband. I listened to hear if his voice went up. Higher tones mean liar liar pants on fire. I learned that from an authoritative movie on the subject, I Love You Man. Instead his voice stayed rock steady which can be interpreted as genuine shock. I learned that from being married to the same guy for 11 years. They ate in silence, eyeing me suspiciously.

It’s all part of the New Domestication Movement wherein I attempt to be a proper wife and mother. If I can get back from work early enough I can make a meal, catch the boy’s basketball game or the husband’s hockey game. My new motto is ‘make an effort, show no resentment’. I asked the husband if I could attend one of his early hockey games. He clutched his chest, laughed a frightening laugh and left the room. When he returned he said the game was cancelled and he hasn’t played since. he couldn’t believe that I finally asked to watch a game and the ice was ‘overbooked’. Fail.

The ten year old made the school basketball team. I caught his first game today. He waved when I walked into the gym. He and his team mates were warming up, shooting baskets of which none seemed to go into the basket. When the other team came in and began warming up it was evident there would be a slaughter and our boys were to be the lambs. Sure enough they scored 10 points without effort. The first basket for our team was courtesy of the boy. I was thrilled and I know he was happy I saw it. He tried unsuccessfully to come across as nonchalant about the whole ordeal and could I please stop holding my hand up for a high five because that’s embarrassing.

When we got home there was most of a cold pizza in it’s box on the counter and I secretly felt grateful that I didn’t have to cook again. One Domestic venture per day only. That’s the second part of the motto. Unfortunately that also means the 21 year old is not getting a ride home from work, again. I was half asleep when I picked her up last night -it was almost NINE PM! The noive!

Motto:
Doing One New Domesticated Movement everyday.

Disclaimer:
Except for dinners which will be prepared only one day per year usually in (but not restricted to) January of any given year. In the event of multiple domestic situations scheduled for the same day, something will be sacrificed and will not be to the detriment of the issuer.

The Kitchen…

Was completed to this stage two years ago…

Here’s another angle…

Now I have many boxes of this…

Delicious!

I’ll let you know when it’s complete -check back in about 2 years.

5:24PM

Not pitch black outside! Still a sliver of sunset in the west.

It looked like the same sliver of sun that greeted me from the east in the morning. I awakened early because the pre-set thermostat hadn’t kicked in and it was cold in the house. I immediately started worrying people would start arriving at the church to wait outside until the food bak opened. I put on multiple layers of warm clothing and headed out into the cold. It was 7:30AM.

My down jacket crackled in the minus 14 degree morning as I lugged bags of donated clothes up to the doors.

She was huddled in the corner with a sweet bun in one hand and a coffee and gloves in the other.

“You can’t stand out here for three and a half hours” I said.

“Yes, but I will just walk around if it gets too cold” she replied.

On one shoulder the voice was telling me that this woman was an adult and she made the decision to step out into the frigid morning with the intention of waiting for the food bank to open. The voice on the other shoulder couldn’t talk through the sobbing.

I let her in, gave her #1 (the most valued number on a Saturday morning in these parts) then sent her home.

“Come back at eleven”.

Another woman arrived shortly after. Her sweater didn’t fit well, her head and hands were uncovered. She came to wait in line for the food bank to open while her family back at the motel slept.

“Where are your gloves?” I asked in full-on ‘mom’ mode.

“I have none” she replied.

I felt so badly for her. One month of motel living after arriving from Columbia HAD to be discouraging
I reached into one of the bags of newly donated goods, pulled out gloves, a coat, a hoody and a sweat shirt. I could tell she needed boots because her tennis shoes -as if in sympathy to her current lot in life, were worn through to the sole- but there weren’t any to give her. She wrapped the coat around her and pulled the gloves on all the while thanking me profusely. I gave her a big hug, handed her the #2 card (the next-to-best prize on a Saturday morning in these here parts) and sent her home.

Miraculously, when my partner in food bank crimes and misdemeanors came in moments later she handed me a bag. Size ten boots! They were gently worn but soft and warm looking, I saved them for my friend’s return.

With over 120 people coming in every week to get food for themselves, their partners and/or families it’s difficult to remember everyone’s other needs like clothing, home search, health issues but every once in a while you remember and you’re able to help. It’s remarkable how many times I’ve received a bag of goodies at exactly the moment someone needs it the most. I love those serendipitous moments.

God moments to some.

At eleven on the dot (somewhere) we started the registration process and while the other intake volunteer served #1, Gladys (#2) sat down across the table from me waiting for her information card to be drawn from the alphabetized card system. I reached down and pulled up the boot bag.

“Check these out.” I said excitedly, handing the bag over.

“Wow!” was all she could say as she looked in then pulled out the boots turning them over to check them out. It was a fantastic moment. She was filled with gratitude, her smile beamed.

The voice on one shoulder shrugged and said, “She’ll sell them”.

The voice on the other side couldn’t be heard through the tears… of joy.

Downs and Ups…

What a day.

We got a huge donation of deli delights for the food bank today, but it came at the expense of a deli owner who just went bankrupt.

I went to a funeral today. The dad of a coworker.

Followed by high tea. A treat from the host of the show I’m working on.

Just a few roller coasters in one day.

Stoopid stuff just kept coming out of my mouth. I could hear my inner pilot yelling at my brain,
“Engage! Engage!” but drivel still kept trickling out. (Blah blah blah)

The office transplanted itself at the funeral home. It’s kind of like a cocktail happy hour without the happy. Everyone was nervous and on their best behavior which seems for me to be a signal for my brain to shift into ‘inappropriate’ gear. I ran out of feet to push into my mouth which was unfortunate as it still allowed me to keep saying ridiculous things. Thankfully I left before the service and before offending anyone… I think.

High tea is just another excuse for my brain to rebel, an invitation for ‘inappropriate’ to rear it’s ugly, cynical little head. I managed to keep my mouth shut for the most part except when it was eating crustless bread with smoked salmon and cucumber. The discernment button stayed on high alert and I made it home without incident.

I think.

Man, this grown up stuff is hard.

At The Risk of Stealing The Husband’s Schtick…

I have to make a recommendation on a couple of films.

You can take knitting needles to your eyes (thanks, Lisa) OR you can see NINE.

It’s gorgeous. All of it. Women, costumes, dancing, sets, most of the singing -it’s a beautiful 2 hours.

Advice? Don’t bring your kids. A woman, who was clearly insane, brought a six year old boy. He asked a lot of questions and she tried to distract him by dancing in her seat to the up-beat songs, used straws as drums which she beat on top of the seat in front of her -a real thrill for the poor guy sitting in it. I couldn’t stare enough daggers into her skull but she persisted.

The movie was good enough to bring my focus back to the screen and try as she might, she and her son didn’t ruin the experience for me. Go see this with a woman.

Up in the Air is a good vehicle for George Clooney but it’s a great one for his female costars, Vera Farmiga and Anna Kendrick. George is easy enough on the eyes (except for his teeth they just don’t fit in his mouth properly) but the women give him a run for the money and almost steal the movie. Jason Reitman is a great director, he knows it’s a play, the story must be told through the characters and he brings out their best. Both films deserve to be seen even if you’re not a musical theatre fan. Nine makes you want to dance (with sand and a tambourine) and Up In The Air invites you to think about where you are in life and where you’re going.

Both leave you more than satisfied with the experience.

Oh, and leave the kids at home.

Self Analysis Stolen From Jendo

It’s never fun to look back at the bad but we can learn from it. Steal this (with your own answers, please).

1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Took over the tradition of making the Yule Log. Hiked in Lake Superior Provincial Park, camped with the husband alone for a week, lost 40 pounds in 6 months. Refrained from drinking for six months. Conceived and executed the building of a community garden for the Food Bank. Had THE TALK with the 10 year old. Told the 21 year old I didn’t like one of her friends. Asked my mom on a date. Demolished a couple of walls in the basement. Became incorporated with the husband (business-wise). Produced a TV series.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
No resolutions at New Year’s, many throughout the year, and many more to come.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
No one close.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not that I’m aware of.

5. What countries did you visit?
Just Canada.

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
All the bills paid.

7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 3 -the ten year old’s 10th and the day we started the community garden, Last whole week of June -the 21 year old came home from England and we all went to her sister’s wedding. I sat for dinner with my present and my ex-husband and his 3rd wife. Wife #1 was there, too but she sat at another table. When we arrived I said, “#2 ‘representin’!”

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Achieving (almost) total calm in a hostile environment. Everywhere but at home.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not asserting myself when staying calm wasn’t the right choice.

10. What was the best thing you bought?
My birthday present, an oversized hotel desk bell (the size of a dinner plate) -the husband made the purchase.

11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
The 10 year olds behavior continues to improve. The 21 year old is starting to make growed up decisions and the husband for putting up with me.

12. Whose behavior made you appalled and disgusted?
Many, many. I see so much more than I ever let myself be exposed to before and the world is not fair and it’s not pretty but when I see people who have EVERYTHING and want to throw it away? Disgusting.

13. What song will always remind you of 2009?
All The Single Ladies by Beyonce because dancing to it at the Food Bank makes everybody crack up no matter what their background!

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Drinkin’, cussin’ and eating too much.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Working 6 days a week and only getting paid for five.

16. Did you fall in love in 2009?
No.

17. What was your favorite TV program?
Lost, Glee, The Dollhouse, House, So You Think You Can Dance

18. What was the best book you read?
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

19. What one thing would have made your year measurably more satisfying?
Finishing a video project I started too long ago.

20. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
Smaller, but not better.

21. What kept you sane?
The Food Bank (also drove me insane but somehow balance was achieved).

22. Who did you miss?
No one.

23. Who was the best new person you met?
The host of the show I’m working on. More amazing neighbors.

24. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2009.
Forgiveness is a hard place to get to and you have to let time wear you down.

25. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
Do you know the enemy? Do you know your enemy? Well gotta know the enemy,
wah hey.

Hi, Honey! I’m Home!

Where have you been?Feeling neglected? Again? At least there is consistency in being inconsistent.

Life is pretty good but still a little on the exhausting side. This was a year of major accomplishments and personal growth (or shrinking, depending on your perspective).

The 21 year was home at the beginning of ‘09 then left to become an au pere in England for most of the year. For my 50th birthday (freaks me out to write that!)

She brought me a $2000.00 bottle of Italian wine.

It’s a 1959 Chianti that her boss purchased. The man owns a number of businesses in England and generously purchased a case of this wine for all his friends turning 50. The 21 year old mentioned I was part of that club and he sold her the wine for two weeks’ salary (about $200.00).

Awesome!

She came home in the fall and settled back into her old routine (no routine) until she found a job in a vet clinic. It was a difficult adjustment for her (and me) but things are settling in well. It’s hard to be the mom of an adult. It’s easy to fall into old roles and I try to be more friend than mom but MAN it’s tough. She just reminds me that I’m finished! Done with the raising! But what 21 year old doesn’t require advice and direction?

Note to self: This would kill me if I were 21 and had to live at home.

I’m grateful to have these extra years with her.

The 10 year old matured (and regressed) all year. From having a house key and making his own tea to nightly interrogations, ‘Mom, when are you leaving for work in the morning? Will it still be dark? When will you be home again?” Every. Single. Night.

He took up drums and gave up hockey. Lose/Win for me. He also reached Lego Nirvana this year with the ultimate mash up of brilliant ideas -Lego Rock Band for the Wii. Now we get to hear Ghost Busters over and over (I can’t hear you!). He now owns three fedoras and reminds me of Joey Jeremiah from the original, ‘Kids From Degrassi Street’. He can be just as goofy as the character was 25 year ago.

His pre-puberty questions are killing me.
“Mom, what is a condom”?
“There’s something I just don’t understand what are those pads in the drawer for?”
“What is an orgasm”?
“When will I get hair down there?”

Which isn’t as funny as his sister at four years old asking, ‘Do I have to grow fur down there?’

The sex talk at ten? He sat patiently as I explained things, wincing every once in a while at the details -me wincing not him. The husband was no help, he was conveniently working down the hall with the music up loud and the door closed. He might as well just cover his ears, close his eyes and yell “LALALALALALA!”
I’m grateful that the 10 year old knows the proper terms for body parts and understands that some people consider them ‘dirty’ words. Penis. Penis. Penis. and did I mention Penis?

Along with finally having a proper one-week-long vacation this past summer, the desire to create a project with the husband is percolating and hopefully we’ll have our concept flushed out this year. Hiking through woods and freezing in the summer is a great way to jump start creativity and love and respect for one’s the husband. We became a real business together this year and surprisingly there has been no talk of divorce. Murder? Yes. Divorce? No. I think we actually still like each other. Still. While many friends are going through relationship challenges (and having been there a marriage ago) it’s pretty much the ugliest place one can be. So I’m grateful for the good relationship I have with the husband.

The show I inherited to produce through it’s last season… got renewed. Employment until July! The step up to producer on set was … challenging and for the first 8 months pretty lonely. I never would have believed it would take so long to hone a job to it’s rightful place on a team. It was like trying to crack through cement walls on the best of days. Highlight? Redoing three parent rooms at Sick Kids. Low-light? Presenting the reality check about freelancing in this industry. The next episodes will have new challenges but will keep the show moving in a positive direction. I’m grateful that the company I work for and the host of the show are stellar and supportive.

In July I stopped drinking wine, got on a food plan and lost 40 pounds. I feel better but look older (think Shar Pei). It’s something I hope not to rebound from. I’m grateful for the challenge.

The Food Bank grew (unfortunately) and it benefitted from the generosity of some very incredible friends.
Food donations, toy donations, book donations, even pancake batter made such a difference to our Christmas lunch. We also built a community allotment garden in our courtyard. Fresh organic and local! This project was created by Telus and David McEldon Landscaping. It took all season to finish but we had tomatoes right up until the first cold snap! Most of all it was the donation of friends and supporters’ time that made the difference! The Hallowe’en dance raised over one thousand dollars and the costumes were spectacular -I was a Proctologist complete with tongs, meat thermometer, turkey baster and a toilet seat donation box. I’m very grateful to have this challenge and learning device in my life (no, not the tongs, managing a food bank) the clients are amazing, the weekly volunteers are supportive and partner in crime, Pat is a true gift.

My wish is that 2010 is just as amazing, no less productive and above all stays positive no matter what!

Be your own change.